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12,976 Funny Jokes Database
12,976 comedy jokes classified into 33 categories in Funny Jokes Database
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Listed below are the first 10 - 100 (or more) records of each of the 2 tables.
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| id | category_id | title | content |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 1 | Adding Blonde | Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator?<BR><BR>A: She couldn't find the 10 key. |
| 2 | 1 | Blondes Blow It | Q: What's it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?<BR><BR>A: Data transfer. |
| 3 | 1 | Astronaut Booty Call... Belt | I'd like to see what's under your Kuiper Belt.<BR> |
| 4 | 1 | Computer Chat | What did one computer say to the other? 010101101010101010101 |
| 5 | 1 | Blonde on the Computer | Q: How can you tell a blonde's been using the computer?<BR><BR>A: There's white-out all over the screen. |
| 6 | 1 | Contraceptives '98 | Microsoft's Latest Venture News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings. The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches. While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One precaution is that the user must be sure they have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner. DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used. CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible Power Supply and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic that "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years." |
| 7 | 1 | Astronaut Booty Call... Crater | My unit would like to explore your crater.<BR> |
| 8 | 1 | Computer Diagnosis | One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better." |
| 9 | 1 | Astronaut Booty Call... Docking | Can I dock my rocket at your space station?<BR> |
| 10 | 1 | Blonde's Connection Down | A blonde complains to a brunette friend that her Internet is down.<BR><BR>The brunette friend offers to let the blonde check her e-mail at her house.<BR>"That's OK," says the blonde. "Why don't you check it and forward me what I got?" |
| 11 | 1 | Astronaut Booty Call... Ejection | Can you help me achieve a coronal mass ejection?<BR> |
| 12 | 1 | Engineer's Belief | Most people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.<BR><BR>Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. |
| 13 | 1 | Blonde's Computer Freeze | What does a blonde do when her computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave. |
| 14 | 1 | Geek Booty Call... Breach | Every time you walk by there's a warp core breach in my pants.<BR> |
| 15 | 1 | Geek Booty Call... Bra | Your bra size looks like it's the same as my favorite computer language, C++.<BR> |
| 16 | 1 | Geek Booty Call... Calculus | I need some help with my calculus. Can you integrate my natural log?<BR> |
| 17 | 1 | Geek Booty Call... Droid | Are you the droid I'm looking for?<BR> |
| 18 | 1 | Geek Booty Call... Binary | 01101100110100010110011011!<BR> |
| 19 | 1 | Geek Booty Call... Embed | Let's get embedded.<BR> |
| 20 | 1 | Geek Booty Call... No | Your mouth says no, but I'll bet your avatar says yes.<BR> |
| 21 | 1 | Geek Booty Call... Computers | I've got something you need to download from my hard drive.<BR> |
| 22 | 1 | Geek Booty Call... Google | Come on, I'm tired of Googling myself.<BR> |
| 23 | 1 | Gorilla and Computer | Q: What do you get when you cross a gorilla and a computer?<BR><BR>A: Hairy Reasoner. |
| 24 | 1 | Geek Booty Call... Hacker | I'd love to hack your box.<BR> |
| 25 | 1 | Hard Drive | Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer? A: Woman doesn't accept 3 1/2 inch floppies. |
| 26 | 1 | The Amazing Health Computer | One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." "Don't do that! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Jeffery figured he had nothing to lose, so he took his urine sample to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: “You have tennis elbow.<br> Soak your arm in warm water.<br> Avoid heavy lifting.<br> It will be better in two weeks.” Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: “Your tap water is too hard.<br> Get a water softener.<br> <br> Your dog has worms.<br> Get him vitamins.<br> <br> Your daughter's using cocaine.<br> Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.<br> <br> Your wife's pregnant - twin girls.<br> They aren't yours.<br> Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.” |
| 27 | 1 | Helisoft | A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. <br><br> Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." <br><br> The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. <br><br> "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer." |
| 28 | 1 | Bill Gates in Hell | Bill Gates goes to purgatory.<BR><BR>St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".<BR><BR>First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.<BR><BR>Bill chooses Hell.<BR><BR>About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.<BR><BR>Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"<BR><BR>St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver." |
| 29 | 1 | Geek Booty Call... Help | I need your help--my hard drive needs to be wiped.<BR> |
| 30 | 1 | Bill Gates' Honeymoon | After Bill Gates wedding night, his wife finally knew why he called his company Microsoft. |
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| id | title | count | slug |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Technology Jokes | 158 | technology-jokes |
| 2 | That Is Gross | 575 | that-is-gross |
| 3 | Dirty Jokes | 979 | dirty-jokes |
| 4 | Nationality Jokes | 300 | nationality-jokes |
| 5 | Dark Humor | 96 | dark-humor |
| 6 | Little Johnny | 33 | little-johnny |
| 7 | Marriage Jokes | 144 | marriage-jokes |
| 8 | Lookin' Good | 531 | lookin-good |
| 9 | Money Jokes | 148 | money-jokes |
| 10 | Insults | 997 | insults |
| 11 | Lawyer Jokes | 112 | lawyer-jokes |
| 12 | Police Business & Military Jokes | 93 | police-business-military-jokes |
| 13 | Work Jokes | 284 | work-jokes |
| 14 | Jokes about Kids | 323 | jokes-about-kids |
| 15 | Doctor Jokes | 347 | doctor-jokes |
| 16 | Yo' Mama | 790 | yo-mama |
| 17 | Pick-Up Lines | 579 | pick-up-lines |
| 18 | God Jokes | 306 | god-jokes |
| 19 | Travel & Car Jokes | 119 | travel-car-jokes |
| 20 | Fat Jokes | 262 | fat-jokes |
| 21 | School Jokes | 157 | school-jokes |
| 22 | Animal Jokes | 765 | animal-jokes |
| 23 | Blonde Jokes | 595 | blonde-jokes |
| 24 | Cross the Road | 10 | cross-the-road |
| 25 | Men/Women | 982 | men-women |
| 26 | Walks into a Bar | 39 | walks-into-a-bar |
| 27 | Partying & Bad Behavior | 316 | partying-bad-behavior |
| 28 | Sports Jokes | 470 | sports-jokes |
| 29 | Something Funny | 985 | something-funny |
| 30 | Food Jokes | 113 | food-jokes |
| 31 | Country Jokes | 268 | country-jokes |
| 32 | News & Politics | 611 | news-politics |
| 33 | Pop Culture & Celebrity Jokes | 489 | pop-culture-celebrity-jokes |